Official Mother In Law Manual

Act 2 - Please, Appease or Trapeze Mother in Law

Phase 1 - Pleasing Your Mean Mother in Law: The most effective way to please a mean mother in law is to die.  Since this is not a mutually accepted form of solution, we'll move on to Phase 2.

Phase 2 - Appeasing Your Mean Mother in Law: The next best thing to pleasing your mother in law is appeasing her. The most effective way to appease a mean mother in law is to die. Since this is not a mutually accepted form of solution, we'll move on to Phase 3.

Phase 3 - The Mother in Law Trapeze: When one cannot please or appease their mean mother in law, they spend the majority of the time that they are around her, swinging on an invisible trapeze, flying north, south, east and west to keep trouble at bay.

Unfortunately, this technique doesn't work because most abused Mother In Law owners forget that mother flies too; on a broom from room to room. Toil and trouble, she'll give it to you double.

In Summary: Pleasing a mean mother in law is impossible at best. Don't lie, don't try - and don't die, because that really would please mother in law.

Act 3-Eagle, Vulture or Coo Coo?

The Mother In Law Eagle: The Mother in Law Eagle soars high above, looking for meaty substance.  Her prey?  The innocent partner of her grown baby. Weapons? Fangs, stiletto heels and sometimes, a machine gun.

The Mother in Law Vulture: The Mother in Law Vulture flies close the ground, eager to scoop up anything that she considers putrid. Her prey? Anyone that irks her, but those keen eyes are generally focused on the innocent partner of her grown baby. Weapons?  Keen eyesight, sharp beak and crow's feet. May be money-motivated. Money can do anything, even make people who hate you, love you.

The Mother in Law Coo Coo: The Mother in Law Coo Coo likes to lay her eggs in another bird's nest, then take all the credit for raising her grown baby bird. How coo coo is that? Her prey? One never knows. Her weapons? Her ability to conquer and deliver a swift exit before any retaliation can be accomplished.  We are dealing with a woman who is faster than the Stork.

In Summary: So whether your Mother In Law is wise, is crafty or coo coo, beware that the partner of her offspring is generally THE target and that the old bird does indeed, possess an arsenal of weapons AND that she will take advantage of any pecking order.

THE MOTHER IN LAW, MARKING YOUR PERIMETER-ACT IV

Everyone needs personal space - simple private time so that they can get in touch with their inner being. This feat is easily accomplished, but getting in touch with a mean mother in law may require the help of a crystal ball, a wizard, and sometimes, a wooden stake and garlic. Yes, the kind that you chop up and toss into baked ziti.

Angelic mother in laws tend to know their place in the Mother In Law Kingdom. They realize that their offspring's adult life should be respected. They would never think about intruding. They sprinkle love like magic dust onto the happy couple, wishing only happiness.

High on a craggy hill the mean mother in law awaits, sharpening her beak on the jagged rocks while she eyes her prey - which of course, is the unsuspecting partner of her grown baby.

With tilted wing, she swoops at the precise moment, hits her target, then catches the tailwinds as she soars back to her perch.

One never knows when this type of mother in law will choose to put in an appearance. But come she will whether her presence is wanted, or not.

Mother in Law Relationship Tip: Establish your parameters or lay wait to the Beak of Destruction.

THE MOTHER IN LAW, THE CALL OF THE WILD - ACT V

She sits. She waits. She lurks on yon grassy knoll. What type of vermin could be so bold? It's the mean mother in law of the wild, a creature so menacing, so destructive, so overbearing that she has the ability to make a giant man cry and poison ivy weep.

So how should this wild thing be approached, if at all? Cautiously.....very cautiously.  

In Summary: Be wise, be cautious, and be fully dressed in a suit of armor when approaching this type of mother in law.

COMMUNICATING WITH  MOTHER IN LAW  - ACT VI

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil - the cornerstone of an angelic mother in law.  So what entities make up the cornerstone of a mean mother in law?  Be all evil, hear all evil and speak all evil. How can one possibly communicate with that?

As a note, size can be misleading when it comes to mean mother in laws.  Mindy's mother in law Bertha may be the size of Jack's giant, but may be the kindest hummingbird on the planet.

On the other hand, John's mother in law Bambi may be small, tiny - but injected with an unfortunate case of terminal rabies.

Kind mother in law Bertha spreads only good news, glad tidings, great joy, and lots of money to her offspring and their spouse. Mean Bambi spreads only bad news, sad tidings, kill joy, and zero bucks to her offspring's spouse.  She may on occasion, shower her grown baby with gifts and kisses spun by Motherhood herself.

In Summary - Mother in law relationship tip: Take heart if mother in law Bambi sounds like your mother in law because odds are, she's twenty or more years older than you. See? Age can be a good thing.

MOTHER IN LAWS - THE GAME OF LOVE  - ACT VII

So many mean mother in laws, so many games. The first step that the daughter or son in law should determine is the exact game their mean mother in law is playing.

The information below should help with that determination, as well as provide a tiny Bandaid of hope in resolving difficult relationship problems with mother in laws.

Game of Mother in Law Chess: If chess is her game, she will always be the King - not the queen, although the queen is the most powerful game piece on the board. The queen of course, is her spouse who perhaps holds the best position on the Board of Life in being capable of settling mother in law disputes, and in keeping her ferocity in checkmate. The daughter or son in law is of course, the pawn.

Game of Mother in Law Bingo: If bingo is her game, the mother in law is stretching all over the board. Up, down, sideways, diagonally - just like a spider weaving a cobweb. Relationship Tip: Don't get caught in her free spot.

Game of Mother in Law Checkers: If checkers is her game, she spends most of the daughter or son in law's life jumping over them, overstepping them and winding up on the finish line with a Royal Crown Cola in her hand.

In Summary - No matter what game you play, you can count on a mean mother in law wedging her way into the Game of Love. Come on lucky seven.

MOTHER IN LAWS - HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?  - ACT VIII

Quasimother's Ode to Mean Mother In Laws:

"Mother in law, mother in law, how does your garden grow? With gambrel roofs and polished hoofs - To hit thee in thy little head."

Angelic mother in laws plant wonderfully sniffy stuff along their garden walls such as romantic roses, kumquat trees, bright sunflowers and mums for their son's high school sweetheart (i.e. future daughter in law material) during football season.

The good mother in law's garden is an enchanted land filled with cobblestone pathways, quaint benches and a refreshing well that contains only the finest spring water.

The mean mother in law's garden has many disturbing plants such as poison ivy, several Venus fly traps, stinging nettle and of course the infamous plant commonly known as the mother in law's tongue.

The mean mother in law's garden is more akin to a bramble forest rather than an enchanted garden, filled with sharp rocks, kryptonite, and a well that contains sulphur water.

In Summary - Walk freely and partake of the good mother in law's garden. As for the mean mother in law's garden, tiptoe very cautiously and don't talk to any snakes that may be hiding in the crabapple tree.

MOTHER IN LAWS - THE PEEPING TOM - ACT IX

Jane and Todd were in the middle of a discussion regarding Todd's mother. When Jane glanced up at the unexpected noise, her mother in law was standing there, her beaded purse in hand, her wrinkled mouth agape. Jane screamed; mother screamed and when Todd saw his mother, he screamed.  

Hopefully this unfortunate scene hasn't made it to the hallways of your life, but when dealing with a nosey mother in law, anything's possible. Take last Christmas....

Jane and Todd had decided to get away during the Christmas holidays, which had hit mother like a wooden stake in the heart - although mother didn't actually have a heart, the mean mother in law that she was. Her sole ambition was to make life as miserable for Jane as possible.

Nonetheless, Jane and Todd opted for a hay ride rather than dinner at mother's. Mother was enraged, promising that one way or another they would be spending the holiday with her. Never mind that her poor husband had just returned from a three month oversea's trip and had appreciated Jane's and Todd's thoughtfulness of giving him time to recuperate and rest on the blessed day.

Nonetheless, Jane and Todd were nestled in the hay, the driver of a six-team horse tram leading them on a trail that roped through the forest. The scenery was beautiful; the light snow was romantic. Suddenly,  mother's head poked out from one rather fat bales. 'Surprise!' she yelled.  Surprise indeed. The horses stampeded and it took four hours to get back to the barn.

In Summary - Mean mother in law's almost always win. I know; but it's a sad fact that must be recognized. To have a mother in law that is both nosey and mean is a double whammy.

MOTHER IN LAWS - MOM, Move Over Mother - ACT X

When Kelly and Frank were dating, mother was there, supervising the date for her little eighteen year old Frankie. When Kelly and Frank were married, mother was there, directing the wedding.

When Kelly and Frank had their first child, mother was there to take charge of the little Amy as soon as she left the delivery room. Mom looked horrendous in that little green surgical cap.

When Amy needed her boosters, mother was there to make sure that it was done. That first day of school? Yes, mother was the one to drop Amy off, then bawl all the way home.

Kelly and Frank had a problem.  It wasn't that mother was mean - she was always eager to help out. It's just that mother didn't know that she needed to assume the role of grandmother and mother in law rather than assuming the role of mother.  She didn't know how to put out the raging flames of motherhood and make the transformation from mother to grandmother. Basically, mother had never shifted from mother to her new roles in life.

Although mother is a caring person, and has good intentions, Kelly and Frank are being robbed of all the special things that belong to parents. In turn, mother is robbing her own self of all the special things that belong to grandmothers and good mother in laws.

In Summary - Be very careful when dealing with this type of mother in law so as her feelings are not injured. If possible, discretely introduce things into her life that may interest her such as new hobbies, sports, bingo or rich men.

MOTHER IN LAWS - MOM, My Other Mother - ACT XI

Al and Bev were not a happy couple. Why? Because their mothers were making life miserable. Advice was flying in from all directions.

Al's mother advised the couple on everything from the brand of dish soap to use to the types of kitchen appliances that they did or didn't need. Bev's mother was more financially rooted, so she was continually into their pocketbook and bank account - all for the couple's good, of course.  

After a long talk, Al and Bev reached a decision. It was a very fruitful decision. They decided that rather than to confront the mothers, that they would smartly switch places with them.

Whenever one of the mothers would visit, both Al and Bev offered them a well of advice - from the outfits they should buy, to the brand of coffee that they thought best. Both mothers were taken aback, and didn't appreciate all of the advice. They even visited less frequently. Then something wonderful happened for Al and Bev. Both mothers decided to meet and when they did, they formed a pack of sorts, thriving on discussing their kids and what lousy decisions they were making. At least they left Al and Bev in peace.

In Summary - If you can't run with the ball, don't drop it.

MOTHER IN LAWS - SPIDERS, SNAKES & MOTHER IN LAWS - ACT XII

Why do mean mother in laws have to make life so difficult? Why can't we all run through meadows of thornless roses drinking cups of happy water, our hearts filled with glee and love?

Simply because mean mother in laws are just mean. Some may slither through your rose covered meadow, inserting thorns among the thornless roses.

Other mean mother in laws like to build cobwebs - BIG cobwebs and climb into them and wait to pounce on you as you go frolicking by.

In Summary - If you have a nice mother in law who makes your life smooth, uncomplicated and wonderful, kiss the ground that she walks on.

On the other hand, if you have one of the mean mother in laws, try to trade her in for a kinder model - one modeled with love and kindness. It doesn't ever hurt to try, now does it?

MOTHER IN LAWS - STORK MEETS MOTHER IN LAW - ACT XIII

A new baby enters a relationship. Love, joy, sleepless nights and diapers. Enter a difficult mother in law who wants to claim the new baby, and we've got the makings for a disaster under the wings of the Stork.

If this sounds familiar, keep in mind that your protective instinct over your new baby is perfectly natural. You may even resent your mother in law trying to horn into your life at this time.

Try - as difficult as it might be, to keep an open heart and mind in regards to your mother in law. If she is filled with joy over the new baby, she could actually come in quite handy.

There will indeed come a time when you're up to your neck in dirty diapers and sleepless nights. You may want a few minutes away from the house, just to touch base with your inner self.

It is at this point where your mother in law can fill a big gap in your life, as well as in your baby's life.

In Summary - Because of bloodlines, babies love most all family members whether their parents do or not. If the parent exhibits respect (at minimum) to the mother in law, the child will have a greater respect for the parent. A child should never feel caught in the middle of mother in law madness.

MOTHER IN LAWS - PROPER AMMO FOR MOTHER IN LAW - ACT XIV

Does your mother in law have trouble in getting the picture whenever you put the law down in your relationship with her offspring? Does she know the meaning of no? Of yes? And of maybe? If not, perhaps you're not using the proper words or actions. Might we advise the following?

Tears.  Yes, tears work wonderfully well and if you pinch your cheeks while preparing for your delivery, you'll look extra sad for mother. So sad, you just might get her attention by gripping her heart. That is, if she has a heart.

I've got a secret. The first thing that most people want to do when they have a secret is share it with everyone. Why? Because THEY have a secret. THEY know something that no one else doesn't. It's a na-na-na-na-na nah thing. BUT, once the secret is out, they don't have a secret anymore. They may feel good about sharing the secret, but after the high, it's a low feeling because they just don't have a secret anymore.

In regards to mother in laws, try sharing a secret that really isn't a secret.  It's certain to get her attention, and then she'll have that awful burden of carrying around what she believes to be a secret and finding someone to unload it on.

MOTHER IN LAWS EXODUS - ACT XV

Sometimes, there's just no getting rid of mother. She's there to get you and your partner over morning coffee, she's at the restaurant to meet you both for lunch, and she's at your house hee-hawing over the evening sitcoms while dining on your hot buttered popcorn.

Mother may be oblivious that she is unsetting your apple cart. She may not realize that she's getting on your nerves, your relationship, and your private time with your partner.

If this sounds familiar, try to be kind when letting mother know that she's been hitting the door bell a bit too frequently. If she is on her own, look for some friends that might interest her and that will shift her attention from you and your partner, to them.

If mother is not on her own, her partner may be very lonely. OR, he may actually be thrilled that she's away if she is one of the mean mother in laws. In fact, it may his fault entirely that mother is always sitting on your perch.

Investigate, solve and above all else, make sure your mother in law story has a happy ending.