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Vain Jane - One Vain Chick With Lots of Advice

Vain Jane sees all, Vain Jane does all, Vain Jane knows all, Vain Jane is all. Jane will give you an inside look at the world with a twist - her twist on what is right, what is so wrong, mainly with all of her best friends and the men in her life. Vain Jane is all the rage and outrage that most of us feel towards vain individuals - that is, unless you're a vain individual just like Jane.

If that's the case, then you probably won't even notice that our Jane has a fully loaded attitude. Be sure to grab a cozy cup of tea before you begin reading because Vain Jane is rather hypnotizing and may leave you craving for more and more.

JANE SAYS: Perhaps the worse blind date in my life was the one that I went on with Henry. I can sincerely say that I'm not fonda Henry. He arrived wearing a three piece suit and a white shirt smeared with grease. On the way to my home, Henry had experienced a bit of engine trouble - but his cranky car wasn't the only engine under a hood that was experiencing mechanical difficulties. Henry himself needed a major overhaul.

First of all, his brakes didn't work. The date was horrendous because Henry didn't know when to shut up. I like to talk, and I like my man to listen. Henry didn't listen.

Henry's battery didn't work. He kept shorting out every time that I asked him about art. A man that doesn't know art isn't worth knowing.

Henry's exhaust didn't work. He was full of hot air - a big bag of wasted wind.

Henry's dome light didn't work. All evening and not once did the man remove his hat. Priest or not, it was rude.

Henry's tires didn't work because this date certainly didn't just keep right on rolling along! In fact, it was too long. But not Henry's horn.

Henry, thank you for ruining my entire life!

Dear Jane: I am still unsettled regarding the disastrous evening that I shared with you tonight - so unsettled that I can't just lay it down. Frankly, you are the most vain individual that I have encountered in my life, including my drill sergeant who ate lead for breakfast AS WELL AS my mother-in-law from my third marriage. That one cent tip that you left for Waitress Penny was the straw that broke the camel's back. Who cares that you thought she purposely gave you a smaller steak because she was jealous of you? Believe me, you aren't all that.

Furthermore Jane, you need a crash course in relationship interaction. I must wonder if you seriously get along with anyone. You have made me a firm believer in never accepting a blind date again for as long as I live. I shall bear the marks of your crooked yellow teeth in my jugular vein until death, and then some. Did I ask to be necked?

Now that I've poured my heart out, I feel so much better. Please seek professional help so that this type of experience doesn't happen to another innocent person.

Sincerely, Paul

JANE'S RESPONSE TWO WEEKS LATER:

Dear Loser: Do not pass go, do not collect $200. You are a loser.

Regards, Vain Jane

(The letter was sent to Paul's address with a return address of the same. No stamp was attached. Unfortunate for Paul.)

JANE SAYS: A difficult wife is what happens when a woman has to live with a man who wouldn't know perfect if it hit him in the face. Take my best friend Gwen and her husband, Charlie - yeah, like the famous tuna fish. And he's fishy all right. Always staying out late, telling Gwen that he's working. Gwen exercises her good sense and knows better. She knows that the only reason that he is working late is because he is overwhelmed by his beautiful secretary, Cindy.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: If you are in a relationship such as Charlie's, all the marriage counseling in the universe won't bring your relationship bows and roses. However, try to be fair rather than jumping the gun. Take a look at your partner's point of view - or at least try to. Do you see anything cloudy there? A reason why your wife may be so hostile? If so, try to fix the problem - and the relationship just might work. Duct tape also works well. If you don't see a problem, the problem may be the wife herself. In that event, you must ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life locked in this volatile relationship. Many times, divorce is worse than a bad relationship - so think hard, seek professional advice, and do the right thing for you - and especially for your kids if there are kids in the relationship mix.

VAIN JANE SAYS: The problem with men is that they were born men. Men don't know how to relate to a woman. If a man can't relate to me, it's a pretty hopeless situation for the world. Take Eddy, my blind date last week. Eddy arrived at my front door with a wad of wilted weeds which he claimed to be daisies. But I know they were weeds because almost immediately, my eyes teared, I began sneezing and my face broke out in an instant rash. It was a huge disappointment because I had carefully prepared for the date - even going as far as to purchase a new brand of perfume and a new version of makeup as I was picking up my new kitty, Sherman from the pet store. The evening got progressively worse. Eddy chose to take me out to a steakhouse which was little more than a hole in the wall. The band consisted of a humped back hick blowing in a jug; peanuts were strewn all over the floor and couples were dancing to the blow of the jug. Very disgustful date!

Eddy was very skimpy on the price, too, ordering twenty dollar steaks for both of us. Just what does that brand of cheapness say to a woman, I ask? And he didn't even ask me what I wanted! I am accustomed to champagne, fine wine, romantic violin music, caviar - GOOD caviar and atmosphere that a princess would be comfortable in. I suppose the worst moment of the date was when he left the inept waitress a $10 tip. Imagine, a waitress worth half as much as a cheap steak for a cheapskate! Eddy, thank you for ruining my life.

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