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Vain Jane - One Vain Chick With Lots of Advice

VAIN JANE SAYS: Relationships could be a lot more gratifying if everyone would do as I do and travel back to the simpler way of life. There would be so much more time for getting closer and sharing - rather than busily crawling like fire ants through the busy city and countryside.

I'll provide a few examples. I consider having anything more than five automobiles or less than four automobiles outrageous. And if you can't afford to send a child to boarding school, then why have one? It's all so simple, so plain and simple. Why spend all that time trying to embed knowledge into your child's head when a) you aren't qualified and b) why scream off your pearly whites when your kid won't listen to you anyway and 3) the boarding school way is so much easier,so plain and simple. And that is what life should be - plain. Simple.

Take tooth whiteners. Why the need for tooth whiteners? What is wrong with the dentist? I believe that people have become far too lazy - so lazy that they'll even pick up basic items from the super store rather than from specialty shops where they would find simple treasures in life rather than under-priced trash, generic pork rinds and lead-based china. Yes, we are a society in need of returning to the simpler days of life. To relax on the verandah with a pretty martini in hand watching the neighbor's Gardner mow the lawn.

I see all of my best friends headed in the wrong direction in life when they should just slow down and take the simple way out. Their kids are a disaster, their life is a disaster and their relationships are a disaster. It's painful to stand by and watch the terror unfold while feeling utterly helpless to do anything about the situation. Sometimes, relationships need a lot of fine tuning.....but of course, I've never been one to meddle.

JANE SAYS: Being a boss is no easy task. For one, I must arrive extra early each morning to assure that everyone who arrives late is docked as such. Five minutes here and there can add up over time (literally!!!). As boss, I also get very upset over workers who care so little about the company that they can't do without two fifteen minute breaks. Besides, it's not required by law. As for working late, if I need someone to stay, if they refuse it sends a clear signal to me that they are not committed to their job. And why does everyone dress so poorly these days? Good workers are very hard to find.

JANE'S TEAM SAYS: Working for Jane is about as rewarding as a stray dog dancing for a stranger. If we arrive one second past starting time, we get docked. But if we stay 10 minutes past quitting time, we don't get paid for it because there is a fifteen minute minimum before pay kicks in. We also get upset about the pace that Jane requires us to work. She has made it clear that she doesn't like breaks and that we should consider forgoing those to show our commitment to the company. We think that someone ought to commit Jane. As for working late, there's nothing more upsetting that to have tickets to THE ball game for the family and then discover that Jane requires some overtime work that will cut into the second inning of the game. Someone should cut Jane.

JANE SAYS: Some people just don't know how to spend money. Take Betty, a dear friend who hasn't got a clue as to what life is really all about. Betty is married and thinks that she is lodged in THE perfect relationship. Little does she know that her fleet of stallions and gold coach is nothing more than rats and a pumpkin. Betty has given up her career in favor of staying home with her four children. Of course, this was actually her husband Bob's decision, but he allowed Betty to think it was her decision. His effective bait included, "Betty, I don't want any wife of mine out in the cruel world slaving her fingers to the bone. No, you are meant for finer things - for staying at home things, for educating our kids and filling our home with warmth and love - just like you fill my heart with warmth and love."

Right. Bob's cesspool of genes couldn't learn from Solomon himself. And the real meaning behind Bob's smash was, "Betty, I want to climb the Ladder to Success while you raise these urchins that I didn't even want. You should stay at home, cook, clean, baby sit, and go to the market and spend a measly allowance that I may or may not give you. It will depend on whether I've seen my friend, Lilly this week. I must spend MY money wisely, you know." No, Betty doesn't know. Innocent Betty. What a crumball relationship. No fun at all and Betty is being reamed by Bob's pack of lies. I predict that in twenty years, Betty's and Bob's kids will be grown and in dead-end professions. Betty will be intently eeking her way through continuing education classes at the local junior college. And Bob will be married to Lilly's sister.

It's painful to stand by and watch the terror unfold while feeling utterly helpless to do anything about the situation. Sometimes, relationships need a lot of fine tuning.....but of course, I've never been one to meddle.

PAULA SAYS: If I knew that Jane would be so difficult to work for I would not have taken this job. She is so abusive that I feel totally useless and unworthy to work for her. Why should she make ME feel like this when I give 100% at work? Even though I have little pride and self confidence left, I can't afford to quit right now. Jobs are very hard to find and hopefully things will get better. At least the pay is okay for now. I really don't like my job and I don't like my boss, micro manager Jane, at all.

JANE SAYS: The thing that really bothers me about Paula is that she has no self confidence at all! And she takes no pride in doing her work. She is always clock watching. If I wasn't so kind hearted, I'd fire her and the rest of my staff. I am the only one here that knows what they are doing and must continually manage or who knows what would happen.

JANE SAYS: Relationships are vital in life - and not just any old relationship; GOOD relationships. All smart people know that unless you have a beautiful home filled with the finest things, a good relationship is nothing more than a dream between the two people who intimately share that home. As an example, I'll use my two best friends Jay and Barbara. First off, Jay doesn't like Barbara's name. I know that because he calls her Barb. It's his indiscrete way of getting around the problem. That was the first thing that I noticed about this relationship - a relationship that has soured over time. It is not a good relationship.

Although I have asked Barbara to accompany me many times on shopping sprees in an effort to save her marriage, she has always refused. The reason is because Jay spends too much money on himself and doesn't leave enough money for Barbara to spend on their home. Last Christmas when I took over a gift of gourmet brownies that had been given to me by a vendor at work, I noticed that every thing in Jay's and Barbara's house was homemade - from the curtains to the horrendous pillows molting on the sofa in the den. She is forced to create house oddities and must put on a happy face - as if she truly enjoys doing such a thing!

I wanted to cry right then and there, but of course, I didn't want to embarrass Barbara. Mark my word, this relationship is not going to last. It's painful to stand by and watch the terror unfold while feeling utterly helpless to do anything about the situation. Sometimes, relationships need a lot of fine tuning.....but of course, I've never been one to meddle.

JANE SAYS: Why is it that I am the only person on the block to throw parties? And I don't even know why I bother because only a handful of neighbors ever show up and they always leave shortly after my party is underway. So I suppose that the only things that I would change about my parties include:

Vera's onion dip which is more onion than dip. If I were a really good neighbor, I'd share my family recipe, but it's a well guarded secret. Too bad for Vera. And speaking of family recipes....Jan's family punch recipe. No wonder it's a well guarded secret; one glass would take out an entire neighborhood - and Jan's punch is probably the reason that the guests call it an early evening.

Dan's sausage rolls are another food object that require a recipe makeover. I do not call a sausage patty rolled into a biscuit a gourmet delicacy. There's nothing neighborly about that at all. It makes me feel very put off. Furthermore, Jerry's hot wings need to fly off his turkey platter and out of the neighborhood. I know that he uses generic chicken wings over name brand, and therein lies the problem. As to Ida's cakes - which Ida like to run from. When new neighbors John and Martha moved into the neighborhood last year, Ida's raisin cake couldn't have offended them more. I saw John and Martha embark over to Ida's front door later in the day and I am certain that they told her just that.

Yes, it's next to impossible trying to establish good relationships with neighbors. Perhaps more neighbors will move into my neighborhood. I'm certainly not leaving my perfect home. Well, perfect except for the neighbors...

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