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Me Tarzan, You Jane

Do you know who is driving the car in your romantic relationship?

A perfect relationship shares responsibilities on a 50/50 basis. This type of relationship is found few and far between. It's very difficult when you find yourself overburdened with chores, budgeting, managing the kids, cooking, cleaning.

Most relationships operate on a 75/25 split, and most of the time it's the female counterpart that gets stuck with less than her fair share. Occasionally, it's the other way around. Nonetheless, no matter which person in the relationship is affected, it's a miserable state to be in.

So just what is responsibility? It's work! Let's face it, few people enjoy working. It's much easier to settle into a lounger for a long evening of television than it is to cook dinner, then run two loads of laundry while you're washing dishes.

When a relationship hits this point, it's time to sit down together and discuss solutions. Talk about your demise in a 'neutral' room. Never, ever, never use your bedroom to discuss negative issues. It's your alcove, your cozy den where, as a couple, you relax and love. Keep it scared!

During your pow-wow with your 'partner' you'd be wise to avoid accusations. Accomplishing positive things usually transcend in the art of delivery. Let's look at an example of how Betty approaches Jarod regarding his television fixation:

"Jarod, you're a pathetic little couch potato. All you do is sit and watch TV all evening! I bet there are at least three bags of Cheetoes underneath our couch cushions! And that's where they are going to stay because I am tried of being your maid! YOUR slave!"

Ugh. That was pretty nasty, wasn't it? Perhaps every word that Betty said to Jarod was true. Nonetheless, how cooperative do you think Jarod is going to be with Betty? His first reaction is going to be to defend himself after the 'attack'.

That's generally accomplished by tossing something from the 'attacker''s past into their face, as they have yours. It's a normal and natural human response. Betty may feel better now that she's gotten the load off her chest, but how effective were her words to Jarod? Not very.

Betty may have envisioned Jarod responding something akin to, "Betty, my darling angel! Forgive me for being an inconsiderate idiot! I don't deserve you! I'll change overnight – I promise, my love! Now where's that orange scouring pad, so I can do the dishes?"

Let's take a look at how Betty could have handled the situation to achieve a positive response from Jarod.

"Jarod, I would really enjoy spending more time with you in the evenings. I miss you during the day while we are apart. I have a few suggestions that might help us spend more time together in the evening." By changing the word "you" into "I", Betty now has Jarod eating out of the palm of her hand. "I" is a smaller word, but eons more powerful! Jarod was prepared for Betty's 'regular' lecture, and was pleasantly surprised. Though he may not like her suggestions, at least he's listening. Betty has his undivided attention.

In fact, although Betty eluded personal respect towards Jarod, she may have been silently thinking, "Jarod (you moron), I would really enjoy spending more time (taking a relaxing bubble bath in complete solitude) with you in the evenings. I miss you (about as much as your mother misses that wart that the doctor removed from her chin) during the day while we are apart. I have a few suggestions (that you'd better listen to) that might help us spend more time together in the evening."

Understandably, Betty is upset. It's okay to have angry and negative thoughts. However, it's best to keep the negativity to yourself and try to work out your dilemma with your partner in a positive way.

Discussing a problem helps to get your penned-up emotions out in the open . Before discussing your problem, consider the following:

Bottom line - 'think before you speak'. Once it's said, you cannot take it back.

Keep calm. Getting upset only heightens the problem.

Address only the issue at hand, not something that happened five years, weeks or days ago.

Never accuse; it will give your mate the impression that you are attacking, that you are unfair, that you're a complainer and a whiner.

Discuss using logic.

Always have a 'positive' solution to suggest.

If your problem is something that you'll remember two years from now, then it's probably worth addressing. If not, bringing it out into the open may do more harm than good.

Be willing to compromise.

Never go to bed angry.

Together, if you cannot solve your problem, seek counseling. Letting problems build is unfair to you and your partner.

This article is intended for reading purposes only.

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